Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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