i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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