I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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