I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
