Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He better not be in your backpack
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
