Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
