Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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