I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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