dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
