OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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