in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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