Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
pray to the hookup gods
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
