what day is it and did you see me today?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Pooping to opera.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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