I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
