you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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