I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
