So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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