how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
