porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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