I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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