I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
