thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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