i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
don't judge my taste in strippers
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
