thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
