Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
