my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
