I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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