I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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