Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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