is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
