Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
