Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I AM VODKA MAN
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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