Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
