i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
