I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
