This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
