I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
