i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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