i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
