I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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