Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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