my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
