Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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