I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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