if i can run in heels then i can drive
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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