She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
