Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
