my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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