jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
