my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
