I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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