someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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