i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
