At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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